Coursework: Planning, Drafting and Redrafting: Question 1
Syllabus W2, W5
A candidate's coursework narrative assignment includes this first-draft paragraph, recalling learning to swim as a child:
"I was scared of swimming. Swimming was scary because the water was cold and the water was very deep. My mum said I should swim but I did not want to swim so in the end I did not swim for a long time."
(a) Identify two specific weaknesses in this draft paragraph (not spelling or punctuation). [2]
(b) Redraft the paragraph in 2–4 sentences, fixing the weaknesses you identified in part (a). [4]
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Worked solution
Assessment focus
This question isolates two skills at the heart of redrafting: reading a draft critically enough to name its specific weaknesses (not just feeling that it is “boring”), and then acting on that diagnosis by producing a genuinely improved version rather than a cosmetic rewording.
Weaknesses in the original draft (part a)
- Repetition: “swimming”/“swim” appears five times (“swimming”, “Swimming”, “swim” x3) and “water” twice in three short sentences, so the paragraph circles the same words instead of moving the description forward.
- Flat, unvaried sentences: every clause is short and joined mechanically with “because”, “but” or “so”, giving the paragraph no rhythm, no build-up of tension, and no sense of which idea matters most.
- No sensory detail: the reader is told the water was cold and deep but given nothing that would make either fact felt (how cold, how the depth looked or felt to a child).
Model redraft (part b)
“Learning to swim terrified me. The water was cold enough to sting, and from the edge of the pool it looked bottomless. Whenever my mum suggested a lesson, I found an excuse to avoid it, and years passed before I finally got in.”
Why this works
The redraft keeps every piece of original content (the fear, the cold, the depth, the long reluctance) but removes the repeated words by using a synonym (“terrified”), a pronoun (“it”), and restructuring rather than repeating “swim” and “water”. Sentence length now varies: a short, blunt opener is followed by two longer, more complex sentences, giving the paragraph a shape the original lacked. The added detail (“cold enough to sting”, “looked bottomless”) turns stated facts into something felt.
Common pitfalls specific to this task
- Only replacing “scared” with a synonym like “afraid” and leaving the rest of the repetition and flat structure untouched.
- Writing three short sentences that are still all the same length and shape, so the redraft “looks” different but is not actually more varied.
- Adding unrelated new content (for example, describing a swimming teacher never mentioned in the original) instead of improving the existing material.