Coursework: Planning, Drafting and Redrafting: English – First Language 0500 (Cambridge O Level / IGCSE)

A candidate's coursework narrative assignment includes this first-draft paragraph, recalling learning to swim as a child:

"I was scared of swimming. Swimming was scary because the water was cold and the water was very deep. My mum said I should swim but I did not want to swim so in the end I did not swim for a long time."

(a) Identify two specific weaknesses in this draft paragraph (not spelling or punctuation). [2]

(b) Redraft the paragraph in 2–4 sentences, fixing the weaknesses you identified in part (a). [4]

A student planning a discursive coursework assignment arguing that "the school day should start later" has jotted down five planning-to-redrafting stages, but in the wrong order:

A. Sequence the three chosen strands of argument into a logical paragraph order, from most straightforward to most complex. B. Reread the completed draft critically and revise it for structure, cohesion and expression before final submission. C. Note down initial ideas and evidence on both sides of the debate. D. Write a full first draft of the assignment, following the planned paragraph order. E. Decide the overall thesis and the three main strands of argument that will support it.

(a) Write the letters A–E in the most effective order, from first stage to last. [4]

(b) In one sentence, explain why stage C should happen before stage E. [1]

A first-draft sentence from a coursework reflective account reads:

"In my opinion, I think that in this modern day and age that we live in, social media, in my opinion, has a really big massive impact on the mental health of a lot of teenagers today."

Which redraft improves this sentence most, while keeping its original meaning? [1]

Before submitting her coursework reflective account for final marking, a candidate is proofreading this draft paragraph. It contains five errors of spelling, punctuation or grammar.

"Last month I completed a week of work experience at a veterinary clinic for my coursework reflective account. Its a really valuable experience, and I definately learnt a lot about how a busy clinic runs. On the first day, I arrived at eight o'clock, the receptionist was not expecting me until nine. The other trainees was very nervous on the first morning, although they relaxed once the vet explained the daily routine. By the end of the week I felt confident enough to explain simple procedures to worried customer's."

Find each of the five errors, name its type (spelling, punctuation or grammar) and give the correction. [5]

A candidate's teacher has given this feedback on a coursework reflective account paragraph:

"Your ideas here are relevant, but you are just listing what happened rather than explaining why each event mattered. You also start all four sentences with 'I', vary your sentence openings."

The paragraph the feedback refers to reads:

"I organised a bake sale at school to raise money for a local charity. I baked over sixty cupcakes with my friends the weekend before. I sold every single cake within the first hour of lunchtime. I gave all the money we raised to the charity's local office."

(a) Identify what this paragraph needs to change to respond to both points in the feedback. [2]

(b) Redraft the paragraph (4–5 sentences), responding fully to the feedback. [6]

A student is planning a discursive coursework assignment arguing that "every student should learn to cook one hot meal before leaving school." Before drafting, she has jotted down these six planning notes in no particular order:

1. Cooking teaches basic budgeting, since ingredients cost money and have to be chosen carefully.
2. My cousin recently started a part-time job at a supermarket and finds the till system confusing.
3. A student who can cook is less dependent on ready meals and fast food, which are often less healthy.
4. Learning a practical skill like cooking builds confidence that carries into other areas of life.
5. Many schools already teach cookery lessons as an optional subject in Year 9.
6. Cooking a meal from scratch usually takes much longer than a ready meal, so some students would resent losing free time to learn it.

(a) Identify the ONE note above that is irrelevant to this specific thesis and should be cut before drafting begins. [1]

(b) In 1–2 sentences, explain why leaving material like this in a plan can weaken the final coursework draft. [2]

(c) Note 6 is relevant, but it works against the thesis rather than for it. In one sentence, explain how a planner should use a note like this, rather than simply deleting it. [2]

A candidate is redrafting the opening paragraph of a discursive coursework assignment arguing that public libraries deserve more government funding. This paragraph is from her SECOND draft:

"Public libraries provide a vital service to every community, offering free access to information, technology and quiet study space regardless of a visitor's income. Honestly though, my local library is kind of a mess and the Wi-Fi never works, which is so annoying. Government funding for libraries has fallen steadily over the past decade, even though demand for their services has grown."

Which sentence breaks the formal, argumentative register established by the rest of this paragraph? [1]

A candidate is redrafting this paragraph from a coursework account of a school trip:

"Our class trip to the coastal nature reserve was a nice day out. The guide who showed us around was nice and answered all our questions. The weather was nice, which made the walk along the cliffs really enjoyable. We saw a nice variety of seabirds nesting on the rocks, and the visitor centre had a nice display explaining the local wildlife."

(a) State how many times the word "nice" appears in this paragraph. [1]

(b) Redraft the paragraph, replacing EVERY instance of "nice" with a more precise word or phrase suited to its specific context. Keep the paragraph roughly the same length and do not change its meaning. [4]

A candidate is redrafting the opening paragraph of a discursive coursework assignment answering the question "Should zoos exist in the twenty-first century?" Her first-draft opening reads:

"There are many different opinions about zoos. Some people like zoos and some people do not like zoos. In this essay, I am going to talk about zoos and give some points about them."

(a) Identify TWO specific reasons this opening fails to do its job as an opening paragraph. [2]

(b) Redraft the opening (2–3 sentences) so that it hooks the reader's interest and previews a clear thesis. [6]

A candidate has been given this general redrafting checklist to use whenever she rereads a coursework draft:

1. Structure, does the writing flow logically, with no abrupt or disconnected statements?
2. Repetition, are the same words and sentence openings avoided?
3. Register, is the tone consistent throughout, rather than shifting between formal and casual?
4. Opening and ending, does the piece begin and end effectively?

Below are the FIRST and SECOND drafts of the same short opening to a narrative coursework assignment.

First draft: "It was raining. It was cold. It was dark outside. I walked to the bus stop. I waited for the bus."

Second draft: "Rain hammered against the bus shelter as I hurried through the darkening street, breath clouding in the cold. I reached the stop with minutes to spare and settled in to wait, watching for headlights through the downpour. I checked my phone again, though there was nothing new to see."

(a) Using the checklist, identify TWO specific criteria that the second draft has clearly improved compared to the first. [2]

(b) Identify the ONE checklist criterion the second draft has NOT yet fully addressed, and explain in one sentence what would still need to change to address it. [2]